Gone~'s Journal

Subject:	To sleep without a dream
Time:	2:42 am.

“I want desire.” I stated, without demanding. “I want to desire something. I want a dream, and I want the means to accomplish this dream.”

“Are you sure?” He asked, without belittlement. He was before me and within me, without being at all. Not dressed in night, skin not pale as white. His eyes were the most important.

A thought occurred to me, as thoughts do. “I don’t know,” I responded, “Let me to think about it.” And I thought of it.

Ambition is not a word I appreciate. To me, an image of the ever-growing, ever-successful corporate lifestyle is described as ‘ambitious’. Never sated, never truly happy or satisfied, climbing life for a vaporous goal that both cannot be captured and cannot be escaped. True Ambition does not end; it climbs when even the mountain ends. And whilst romantic, it is still foolish.

Desire, however, is finite. It is palpable, attainable. It is carnal and momentous. The warm space between a welcome woman’s thighs, the well placed fall of a rubber ball, the delightful shattering of glass. These, all desires, are very finite and real. However, as they can be reached, so too do they end. One desire is truly never enough. Once it is reached, it ends. So is my life a completed desire, all simple goals achievable and reached.

And so I find myself at the end of desire, somehow wanting to want more without wanting too much. For we all die, one day, though some continue on longer than others. Ambition, though romantic and stirring, serves no purpose once the inevitable is reached. Desire ends before we do, and leaves us again without purpose. Is one greater than the other, in a fashion I cannot see? Perhaps it is alright to be without either.

I have yet to give him an answer. I can, however, provide you a question.

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